O’Malley here and I am not dead yet! I would like to thank my editor for yet another wonderful outing to this far corner of the earth. (Note to editor-some gentleman will be calling looking for my “rent” money, I would suggest just paying them) Once again I have joined forces with the intrepid Nick Travers as he braves the primitive jungle in search of his lovely fiancée Priscilla Nobsnockers and her father Dr. Leo Nobsnockers, inventor of the gyro-compass.
Things started looking bleak from the start as our hero quickly found himself surrounded by natives as he sped down the road.
As the spears and bullets flew, Nick’s chum, “The Sarge” expertly maneuvered the car through the jungle at break neck speeds. I slid down to the floor and got behind a blanket so as to stay out of the way of our intrepid little band. Meanwhile, Capt. Barnes USNA led a squad of sailors and marines as they strained to keep up with Nick and his crew. From the back of the truck Capt. Barnes could be heard preaching to the natives the error of their ways from the back of the careening truck. I do believe that a few of his men, having gotten caught up in the stirring lecture, accidentally squeezed off a few rounds in the direction of the natives. This did seem to put a damper on their enthusiasm to be further baptized.
As the sound of the war drums and chanting grew fainter, we began to relax until out of the jungle burst a man ape creature of enormous pre-portions.
I tried to get a shot with my trusty brownie auto-graphic camera, but my hands were shaking so much from the bumpy road I was unable to get a focused shot so I slipped back behind the blanket. These jungle beasts ripped through the jungle like a steam shovel, hurling man and trees like mere toys. One of them got a-hold of the truck the men were in and proceeded to flip it over. Just then another creature of enormous pre-portions hurtled out of the brush and into the back of the truck.
It grabbed one of the brave sailors in its toothy maw and began to shake him fiercely. I can still hear his screams as I pound out this column. Fortunately, the whiskey and this lovely young barmaid have helped ease my mind. Back at the ancient temple Nick and his chums had managed to finally gain entrance to the Monolithic temple only to find that dastardly duo Boris and Natasha had already beaten him there.
Worst of all those gargantuan gorillas had also arrived and were tossing cultists around like rag dolls. To make matters worse they had just scooped up Priscilla and Natasha and were headed out the back of the Temple. Nick raced up the stairs flinging fleeing cultists to their dooms from atop the dizzying heights of the temple proper. Alas, he was too late. All he could see was the bouncing golden locks of his love Priscilla as she was carried off by one of the great apes.
I have been scouring this bar for hours looking for some brave souls to accompany Nick on his foolhardy mission to rescue Priscilla. I only hope that I haven’t missed him on his way out of town as I sit to write this column, and have another whiskey or two. As always Dear Readers you can be assured that I will bring you all of the action…, Hot and Heavy.
