Wake me when its over!

Wake me when it’s over.  This is going to go down as the most boring World Series in history.  Five years from now I don’t think you will be able to find 10 people who can tell you who was in the World Series, let alone who won.  The most remarkable moment seemed to be a game that wouldn’t end.  I don’t know if I have been spoiled by Un-reality tv shows that are so jammed with excitement and drama you can’t seem to catch your breath, but this series was lacking in so many areas.  

No one seems to really care that it has been 88 years for the White Sox.  I guess everyone got that whole thing out of their system for the Red Sox.  But even there you had pitchers fighting through blood oozing ankles, bad calls and questionable pitching changes, guys that look like cave men, and of course “The Curse”.   The biggest scandal was that MLB wanted the roof open in Houston.  

Try as I might I just could not root for one team over the other.  Whether it was a lack of drama or characters to root for, the simple truth is that this series will pass out of memory in a hurry.  Congratulations to the White Sox! See ya in 88 years, hopefully

Endless Possibilities

There are sooooo...many good stories out right now I can't decide which one to post next. At the moment it looks like I'm writing a bad joke. I have Michelle Wie, and some American League umpires on a boat ride in Minnesota. Not only that but work has really interfered with my screwing around. I mean imagine that, they expect me to put in a full 8 hours...a day! Ridiculous!

Hockey Un-American!

It’s un-American I tell you! They have gone and messed with hockey. Uhh…John, Hockey is Canadian. I thought we bought Canada? Wasn’t that what NAFTA was about? No...NAFTA allowed the Japanese to build their cars in Mexico but say they were made in America. That’s crazy talk I tell ya! Next thing you’ll tell me Bacon isn’t American either! Well…there is Canadian Bacon, but never mind! Just get back to hockey.

Okay, so the people in charge of hockey decided that the reason people didn’t go watch it last year wasn’t because of the strike, but because there wasn’t enough scoring. But what do those Canadians do? They go and turn hockey into Ice prancing with sticks. There is no more clutching, no more grabbing, and no more checking. And that’s nothing compared to what they did on the ice. Badum dum! What kind of sport is that? Actually John, Ice Dancing is a sport. It is? How do you keep score? Well, a panel of judges makes an arbitrary decision and assigns points. Based on these points a winner is determined. That’s not a sport! Yes it is. It’s in the Olympics. Well so is gymnastics but that’s not a sport either. Can we please get back to hockey?

Okay, so the first big decision was to decrease the size of the goalies pads by 11%. Wow, where did they remove all of that material from. Let’s see, the made the blocker pad 1” smaller. 1”! That is like the tip of your finger. Then they took ¾” off the catching glove, and said the kick pads could not extend past the pant leg and had to conform to the contour of the leg. What is this, the fashion channel? That’s what I said, “What is this, the fashion channel?” 1” here, ¾” there that’s nothing, why don’t they make the goalies play without all that equipment

Now here is where my head really started to spin. They moved the goals 2’ back and the blue line several feet further out. They reduced the neutral zone, and there is a magic trapezoid behind the goal which the goalie can’t play the puck beyond. All of these complicated geometrical equations are designed to increase the amount of scoring. They did this because they think the public goes to a hockey game to see scoring. Not because they go to see fighting, gouging, and guys crashing into the boards at 70 miles an hour. Now you are going to have a bunch of guys with names you can’t pronounce skating circles around the slow moving, hard hitting Americans.

See if hockey were an American sport we would be able to fix this without changing all the rules. We would just do like we did with football or basketball and make a goal worth more. Let say we make a goal worth 5 points, now your typical hockey game would have a final score of 15 to 10. Doesn’t that sound better than 3 to 2? No math, no foreign guys, and plenty of hitting. So what are you going to do about it? Well I am going to do what any red blooded American would do. I’ll get in my Honda, drive to the Taco bell and watch my un-American hockey on the big screen.

Cool weather means no more Nats!

Here in the swamp we lovingly call the Nations Capital, the one thing that we look forward to every year when the leaves start to fall and the air turns cold is that the Nats disappear. And this year is no different. For awhile, on those long muggy nights of summer, the town seemed to cherish the pesky little insects. It seems like no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t get rid of them.

Why, they even became the talk of the town with every newspaper and radio station singing the praises of the lowly Nats. Around the water coolers people talked as if they had adopted the Nats as some sort of pet. “How ‘bout those Nats? …I heard they are in first place” First place, first place for what, annoying the crap out of you? Why, some enterprising people even started selling T-shirts with Nats written on them. Like if you wear their name on your shirt they won’t bother you. Everyone knows the best way to get rid of a Nat is to wave a pennant at them. As soon as they see a pennant they fade away like a distant memory.

Luckily fall is here now. The Nats have disappeared and it’s safe to once again walk around at night without repellant on. Of course, come springtime talk will once again return to Nats. How bad will they be this year? Will they be as bad as last year? Maybe this year there will be some free agent guaranteed to improve the quality of the Nats. For me, I will rest assured that the Nats will continue to come in the spring, get worse through the summer and disappear in the fall. It is as inevitable as the start of Hockey season!

Capt. Nick Travers American Hero

Dateline: Casablanca Algeria/O’Malley Arrives

O’Malley here and I’m not dead yet!

Responding to a direct request from William Randolph Hearst himself, and to avoid some gambling debts, I grabbed my trusty Browning autographic camera and jumped onto a Tramp Steamer headed for Casablanca. I’m telling you it is hotter here than Atlanta when Sherman marched through.

Not only a purveyor of fine rugs but dealer in stolen Antiquities and social malcontent. This reporter has taken up residence directly across from his shop at Princess Jasmines garden of earthly delights. I make these sacrifices for you, dear readers, so that I can bring you the action hot and heavy as it happens.

And action there will be as this sleuth reporter has uncovered that the forthright men of the elite US service known as W.A.L.R.uS. (Water And Land Rescue Service) have landed and will attempt to rescue Dr. Nobsknockers. That is of course after we have all recovered from the alcohol induced haze that clouds are vision at the moment. I understand the staff here at the “Gardens” has a sure fire cure for this sort of thing and our boys seem eager an willing to try this ancient remedy so that they can get back into the action all the quicker.

I was able to catch up with the leader of W.A.L.R.uS. a Captain Nick Travers. In between the bottles and broads he was able to spare a few minutes to describe the action which had occurred yesterday. It seems the bullets weren’t the only thing flying high that day as the good Captain insisted he saw skeletons walking around and attacking people. He also had a shootout with the “Mad Mutha Mullas” men. It seems the Captain was quite broken up over the loss of not only the Dr. but the Dr.’s daughter a Miss Priscilla Nobsknockers. The last time I saw him the Cpt. was being consoled by one of the counselors here at the “Garden”.

Until next time readers! You can count on me to bring you all of the Action… Hot and Heavy!